It's a Trailer Park of Emotion!: Seduced by Moonlight

Chapter 5 begins with Kitto continuing to scream. Frost bursts into the room and asks what’s wrong with Kitto, when he sees what’s on the mirror. Siun is asking after Kitto, and just hearing her voice is sending Kitto into fits of terror.

At first it looked like a huge black, hairy spider. A spider the size of a large German shepherd. But the head had a neck, and there was something vaguely human about the mouth; it had lips and fangs. There were huge black legs on either side of the bloated body that were pure spider, but the two hands that stuck out of the front of it weren’t. It seemed to have eyes everywhere, and every one of them was tricolored in rings of blue. It raised up as if trying to get more comfortable on the chair, and flashed a glimpse of pale breasts. Female. I couldn’t bring myself to call it a woman.

So, Siun is a spider-goblin monster thing. Which, actually, sounds kinda cool. I’m not at all scared of spiders and actually really like them, so seeing some terror-inducing spider goblin thing is pretty great. Especially since Rhys and Kitto are both just shitting themselves in fear over her.

Rhys turns to Kurag and tells him that if he didn’t want to be part of the alliance so badly, he should have just told them so and not gone to the effort of bringing Siun out like this. Which is exactly what Kurag had done, countless times. He just spent the entire fucking last chapter telling them how much he didn’t want to be part of this alliance.

Kurag tells them that he felt Merry deserved to see that not all sidhe-goblin hybrids are human-like like Kitto or Holly or Ash. Doyle then asks Kurag why he’s fighting the alliance so badly, and Kurag tells them he’s not fighting it at all, he’s just trying to prove that not everything sidhe is beautiful, and for Merry to offer what she offers (turning every sidhe-mix goblin into a full sidhe through sex) comes with certain unpleasantries.

Doyle made a small gesture toward Siun. “To insist that we bed all who come our way is an insult.”
“Would she be like this if one of your people hadn’t raped one of ours?”
“Her mother wasn’t raped,” Rhys said, and his voice was still empty, still horrible to hear.
Kurag ignored the comment, but Doyle said, “What do you mean, Rhys?”
“She bragged that her mother had raped one of us during the last war.” His hands dug into my shoulders until it almost hurt. “Don’t blame this particular horror on the sidhe, Kurag. The goblins did this to themselves.”
It was plain on Kurag’s face that he had known the truth. “You have lied to us, Kurag,” Doyle said.
“No, Darkness, I said, Would she be like this if one of your people hadn’t raped one of ours? I made it a question, not a statement of fact.”
“That is splitting the truth a wee thin,” I said.

OH COME ON. You can’t fucking tell me that simply making something a question is now totally not a lie. Nothing in this fucking world makes any goddamn sense and nothing follows any sort of order. Unbelievable.

Kurag tells them that he’ll give them some time to talk amongst themselves and decide if they really want to go forward with Merry’s offer of alliance, but Doyle tells him no, that they’ll be deciding right here and now. Because Doyle is the ruler and makes all the decisions, remember?

So Kurag asks who will bed Siun to turn her sidhe, and Doyle offers himself.

I was the one who said, “No.”
“None of us touches her,” Rhys said
“We will make this agreement, Rhys.” Doyle said.
Rhys was shaking his head. “No, I swore that I’d kill Siun when next we met. I swore blood price on it.”
“You swore blood price?” Doyle asked.
Rhys only nodded.

So, wait, you’re telling me that now characters can say anything they want, claim blood price on it, and it must be done? Ughhhhh.

Anyway, Kurag asks what’ll happen if Siun kills him during their duel or battle or whatever, and Doyle tells him that they will not seek vengeance for Siun killing Rhys. Because again, Doyle makes all the decisions for Merry. Merry has done ABSOLUTELY nothing in this scene other than make sad puppy dog eyes that her lovers are hurting or Doyle is going to fuck this monster. That’s her whole contribution to this chapter so far. Doyle has made all the decisions.

Some ruler you are, Merry.

“And after I have killed Rhysss,” Siun said, “I will have his trull, my Kitto. I will ride him til he shines underneath me.” She glared at Rhys with her dozen eyes, all ringed with blue, sky blue, cornflower, and violet. The eyes were lovely, and belonged in a different body. “Thisss one wouldn’t shine for me. If you’d have glowed underneath me, I wouldn’t have taken your eye.”
“I told you then, and I’ll tell you now. You can force yourself on me, but you can’t make me enjoy it. You’re a lousy lay.”

Oh cool, trivializing rape. Yet another check-mark on our bucket-list of fucking terrible.

So Siun gets pissed at Rhys for telling her she’s bad in bed, and she charges at the mirror as if to attack it for some reason. Kitto screams “Nooooo” and puts both hands in front of him, as if to brace for her attack. Then Siun begins to come through the mirror. Her head and one of her arms make it through, and then she gets stuck. She’s halfway stuck on the goblin side and half inside Merry’s bedroom. Kitto had somehow caused the mirror to open as a portal, and Siun had passed through it somewhat before Kitto stopped the magic. So now she’s stuck.

Doyle, yet again doing everything for Merry, asks Frost to check on Kitto to see if Kitto can reverse the spell. Kitto is shaking in fear and is too afraid to even look at Siun, so he can do nothing. They then begin a lengthy discussion about what to do with Siun in this state. No one has any idea – Siun could stay trapped in the mirror for forever, never dying, and all Merry does is tell them that it is unacceptable for Siun to be living in her bedroom mirror.

Because moving her to a different room isn’t an option?

They eventually settle on breaking the mirror so that Siun breaks into two pieces, one on the goblin’s side and one at the guesthouse. This would probably not kill her, Kurag tells them. Siun keeps telling them not to break the mirror, but no one is listening to her.

Then Holly comes out of nowhere, just astonished that Kitto’s magic is what caused Siun to get stuck. He finally believes that fucking Merry could gain him something, so he announces that he agrees and will do what Ash wants.

Merry and Kurag finally agree to an alliance – that she will gain one extra month of goblin-alliance for every goblin/sidhe she brings into sidhe power. Doyle then steps in to make it clear that not all ceremonies to bring goblins into their sidhe power are based around sex, and Kurag agrees that if it doesn’t get the goblins killed, they can use those ceremonies to bring the goblins to sidhe power. Ash then steps in and says that he and Holly will only be brought to their sidhe-powers through sex, not through any other such ceremony, and then HOLLY FIGHTS HIM ON IT. Holly, who finally fucking agreed to fuck Merry to gain power, is now fighting his brother ABOUT THE VERY THING HE JUST AGREED TO DO. Ughhhhh. Whatever, they eventually fucking agree and I don’t see why we needed a rehashing of the same argument we just had a page prior.

So Siun, still trapped in the mirror on both sides, pipes up asking what they will do with her. Rhys says that he has an idea, and he claims blood price on Siun, telling her that the last time they were together it was he who was trapped and helpless, and he doesn’t think Siun likes it any better than he did. He then calls Kitto over to help him kill Siun. Frost and others are like “Oh nooo, not poor innocent Kitto! Don’t make him do this!” and Rhys tells them all to shut up, basically. He’s doing it, and no one is going to stop him.

Siun starts begging Kurag for her life, and Kurag is like “pffft, no”.

“Calling me king will not help you now, Siun.”
“Help me, Kurag, help me. Would you ssstand idly by while ssidhe sslay your goblin?” She held out the one white hand that was on his side of the mirror as far as it would stretch, beseeching.
Kurag sighed. “Is there anything I can offer you, white knight? A wergild price to replace her life.”
“I won’t die, Kurag,” Siun said. “They can cut me up, but I won’t die.”
“She’s right, pale prince, you cannot truly slay her.”

Well, why the fuck can’t he? We’ve already established that the immortal in this world really just mean ‘incredibly long lived and can take a lot of damage’. We’ve established that goblins can be killed before, so now why can’t Siun be killed? And also, don’t our sidhe warriors hold weapons that make the one it injures mortal? Why couldn’t Merry give her some blood like she’s dueling Siun, which we’ve already proved would make Siun mortal. Why are all of these already established things getting suddenly forgotten about? Oh right, LKH-osis.

They continue, for pages, trying to figure out what they can offer in Siun’s place. Rhys keeps declining every offer. He only wants to kill Siun. Seriously, pages of Kurag going “Name someone! Anyone!” and Rhys shakes his head at the offer. Pages of this. FUCKING DOYLE EVEN STEPS IN and asks Rhys if he will agree to something that will aid Merry politically, and Rhys declines that.

Which I think is smart for Rhys to do. Obviously this Siun did a number on Rhys both physically and mentally. He should have every right to kill her, especially if that is what is normal and common in faerie-culture. He claimed blood price on her, which means nothing, short of him dying, can stop him from trying to kill her. And everyone is like “how about *insert random name*, kill him instead!”

Pages of this. This is what LKH thinks is conflict. Pages.

Anyway, finally Rhys is just like “fuck it, I’m killing her now” and tries to get Kitto to help. Kitto is scared. Poor baby Kitto doesn’t wanna. Rhys presses a knife into Kitto’s hands and then drags him over to Siun.

Siun continues to bargain for her life. Kurag eventually gives up and says “She’s yours” to Rhys.

Siun tried to plead with Rhys, but to raise her one arm up to him she had to stretch her body upward. Her pale breasts flashed, and a look came over Rhys’s face, a look that I never, ever wanted to see directed at me. “Do you remember what you made me do with those?” he asked, in a voice that seemed to burn through the room.
“No,” she said, and she held out that arm, opened that mouth, and begged.
“I do,” Rhys said, and the blade flashed down.

Hahahahaha. What torture can be done with some floppy goblin tits? Haha

Rhys start chopping at Siun’s body with his sword and Kitto eventually joins in. They’re slicing and chopping and stabbing and screaming and blood is just getting all over Merry’s nice bedspread. This is why you move your fucking MIRROR PHONE out of your bedroom, jesus. And Siun is still alive through all of this. She’s moving arms and such to shield herself, and they just slice the arms off. Kitto slices her head in two, and she still lived. She’s lashing out at Kitto and Rhys, trying to hurt them as they cut her body into pieces.

Merry tries to get them to stop Kitto, and Doyle prevents this. She eventually realizes that Kitto needs to kill Siun in order for his new hand of power to stick, much like what Merry did when her hand of flesh sprang to life in the first book. Kitto finally stops chopping Siun up and Rhys immediately pulls Kitto into his arms in a hug.

Kurag salutes Rhys from inside the mirror and compliments the mess they made of Siun, but points out that she’s still alive. So Rhys reaches his arms toward her and then says “Die” and she dies.

Then everyone freaks out, because sidhe aren’t supposed to be able to kill with just a touch and a word. Except Rhys isn’t a true sidhe, he was a freaking DEATH GOD and apparently everyone’s forgotten that. Apparently some huge magical moment happens with Rhys here and it makes the air hard for Merry to breathe, and I don’t even care. Rhys is just gaining some of his old abilities, but LKH gets all flowery about it, as she will.

Rhys stood there in his bloody terry-cloth robe, splattered with gore… There was a look on his face, a set to his body, that I’d never seen before. It was as if he took up more room than his physical form; as if he were taller than the room could hold, and his presence filled everything for a moment. It was as if all the air had become Rhys’s magic.

I don’t know why this is so surprising to everyone. At the end of the last book they described how everyone had gained back a little bit of their power from the Nameless.

So Siun’s now dead body breaks free from the mirror, and the mirror seals shut. Rhys ends the call with Kurag, and then all the other guards salute him, announcing “Hail, Cromm Cruach, who slew Tigernmas, Lord of Death, for his pride and his crimes against the people.”

Which would be well and good and all, but WE’VE NOT PREVIOUSLY LEARNED OF WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS, so it has ABSOULTEY NO IMPORTANCE TO US WHAT SO EVER. Goddammit, I want histories of these characters now. Rhys’s background would be so cool to read about, and instead I get to read pages and pages of them whining about sex and feelings and whatever other super inane thing I don’t even care one drop about. I SHOULD NOT have to go to Wikipedia ON MY OWN to look up whatever the fuck Tigernmas is – if you’re going to namedrop like that, give us SOME REASON to ALREADY FUCKING KNOW what you’re going on about.

I would so rather read a book all about Cromm Cruach. Even one written by LKH, I don’t even care. It would be way more interesting than half the plots of this stupid series.

THE CHAPTER IS STILL GOING ON and now Galen has entered the room, so we need a multiple page long description of Galen, and what he’s wearing, and how Merry always has to be touching him, and how he’d be a disaster as a King, and blah blah blah. He’s come to tell Merry and Co that Maeve is back from meeting with the heads of whatever movie studio she works for, and she’s having a fucking crying fit because she’s an irrational female character like every other female character in this series except Saint Merry.

“The studio isn’t happy that she’s pregnant. Publicly, they’re thrilled, but behind closed doors they’re pissed. How is she going to do her next movie, which is a very sexy role with nudity, when she’ll be three or four months’ pregnant at the time?”

Hi, it’s called CGI and movie studios do this all the time. Why is this a problem, now?

He frowned, and the happiness slipped out of his eyes. “I think if her husband wasn’t dead… I mean, they seemed to imply that she could get pregnant some other time.”
I gave him wide eyes. “An abortion?”
“They never said it out loud, but it was there in the air.” He shivered and hugged me so close I couldn’t see his face anymore. “When Maeve reminded them that her husband was dead barely a month, and this would be the only chance she had to have his baby, they apologized. They said they never meant to imply any such thing. They sat there and lied.” He kissed the top of my head. “How could they do that to her? I thought she was their big star?”
I hugged him tighter, pressing myself against his body as if I could take that hurt out of his voice. “Maeve dropped two movies while her husband died of cancer. I guess they were looking forward to having their cash cow back at work.”

Okay, let’s tackle this garbage. First off, in WHAT FUCKING WORLD would a movie studio be suggesting to a star OF MAEVE’S CALIBER to just fucking ABORT HER BABY. WHAT. WHAT. This is so goddamn crazy I’m getting angry at why LKH even thought this was a good idea. Maeve is the Golden Goddess of Hollywood. She’s a KNOWN SIDHE MOVIE STAR. She’s huge. She’s a huge fucking star. NO MOVIE STUDIO WOULD EVER EVEN SUGGEST TO A STAR OF HER CALIBER TO DO ANYTHING OF THE SORT. NONE.

And secondly, that very same studio – they would PUT THE TWO GODDAMN MOVIES ON HOLD, is what they’d do. “Yes, we want to do these movies, and we want Maeve to star in them, but we’re respecting Maeve’s wishes and giving her time to grieve her husband’s death” is 10000% WHAT THEY’D SAY. Even if they were in the goddamn middle of filming, they would put the movie on hold to let her grieve. Jesus Christ, does LKH know NOTHING about the film industry?

Also, again, I have 0 clue how much time has passed between the books. Book 2 ended prior to Yule, so Christmastime. Did Gordon Reed die immediately after the fertility rite? So enough time has passed for Maeve to grieve her husband's death and pass up 2 films, and now Maeve is exactly how pregnant? I have no idea, and that's not good.

And then Merry sees that Galen is having a hard time accepting that Maeve’s studio execs outright lied to her, and she realizes that is why Galen will never be her king. He doesn’t understand that people lie, because HE WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE THAT THE SIDHE DON’T LIE. We’re told from PAGE ONE of this series that the sidhe don’t lie. And then we get this confusing as fuck passage:

And that was the problem. Galen truly didn’t understand how anyone could be so mean. To survive in most arenas of power you must first understand that everyone lies, everyone cheats, and no one is your friend. The paradox is that not everyone lies, and not everyone cheats, and some people are your friends. The problem lies in the fact that one smiling face and handshake looks much like another, and when you’re surrounded by consummate liars, how to tell the truth from the lie, friend from foe? Better to treat everyone professionally, pleasantly, smile, nod, be friendly, but never be friends. Because there is no way to tell who is on your side, not really. Galen couldn’t grasp that concept. I needed someone who could.

GALEN DOESN’T NEED TO GRASP THAT BECAUSE THE SIDHE DON’T LIE. That is the ONE MAJOR CONTRIBUTING WORLD FACTOR TO YOUR STUPID SERIES, LKH. THE SIDHE DON’T LIE. And now WHO THE FUCK CARES about that, we’ve got A LESSON TO TEACH.

And anyway the chapter finally fucking ends with Merry realizing that FROST IS JEALOUS OF GALEN. Actually, it's stated that The fey are not supposed to be jealous in the way humans are which is just FUCKING HILARIOUS. The fey have been NOTHING BUT ABSOLUTELY FUCKING PETTY AND JEALOUS throughout this entire series.

Also, ++ for LKH getting in one more lol humans amirite

Seduced by Moonlight - Chapter 5